Having run a Wiccan congregation in college, killed her evil roommate, owned a premier wrestling federation, turned evil herself, been redeemed, gotten married to her redeemer, and been imprisoned by an evil law firm for ratting out a serial killer, Sage figured she'd quit 'the life' before things got too exiting for her.

24-year-old Sage is a free spirit, and very spiritual (if a little flakey at times). She's very intelligent and well read, a quality necessary for her current job, but she's become quite addle-brained from her tumultuous past. Luckily she has her husband Ethan around to keep her grounded.

Ethan still carries some guilt for starting Sage down the wrong path, but it's ultimately cancelled out by their odd moral dynamic. Both Sage and Ethan have frequently gone bad, with the other reigning them in, and then repeating the process ad nauseum. Perusing his dream of owning a bookshop is one way Ethan hopes to stop the ridiculous see-saw act. Now age 26, he tries to play the mature, business-oriented adult, but can't help his devious sarcastic side showing through.

Elm is a very no nonsense person, determined to be individual and unique, though she tries a little too hard to act and appear different. Because of this she often comes across as pretentious, or even an asshole, but she really is just a misunderstood starving artist; or at least presents herself as one, living in a very Spartan efficiency and spending her free time writing bleak short stories in a smoky cafe.

In reality, Elm is not exactly destitute, thanks to her hefty dowry and her art. Through her web site "O Elm!" she has acquired an enormous fan base of pre-teens who obsess over her anthropomorphic wildlife paintings, and who wholly ignore the prose section devoted to the aimless tedium of the human experience.

Brawler is a borderline sociopath with the physique of a brick shithouse and the mental competency of a six-year-old. A former XWF "superstar," the federation's closing left him with few career options. Rather than seek work with another wrestling organization, he went into business himself, somehow managing to create a successful fitness center franchise in only three months. Government efforts are underway to have Brawlie assassinated before he breeds.

A small polystone statue of the Celtic nature god, made in 1997 and purchased by Sage on Ebay for $12.95. Despite its recent fabrication, the statue has somehow become possessed by a primal evil bent on driving others to murder. Luckily, it is not very persuasive.